The first cut is the deepest

"Do you know what the sharpest thing in the world is? - A fart. It can go through your pants without even cutting them."    - Ted Kelsey

"There was an old man from sinclair

who tried to make love to a bear,

the hairy old brute took a swipe at his root..

and left nothing but scrotum & hair."

                  -Ted Kelsey

Trivia

My grandpa asked me this question this morning:

" If a donkey is an ass, and a sheep is a ram... then why is a ram in the ass a goose?"
                   -Ted Kelsey

beastiality

"Johnny go milk the bull
There's only one tit to pull
Grease it with lard and jerk it hard
and you'll soon have a bucket full. "
          -Ted Kelsey

Alcohol

"A womans ass and a whiskey glass made a horse's ass outta me!"

                     -Ted Kelsey

Irony

"After that last Census we just had... it turns out there are alot more Horse's asses out there then there are horses."  
          -Ted Kelsey

Old man River

High in the mountains, low in the grass.
The old man died with a cobb in his ass.
The cobb came out & the air came in
& The old man came back to life again.

Poop Coop

"What do you call that white stuff on top of chicken shit? .... - More chicken shit!"
               -Ted Kelsey

Throne

 

"This little house is all i own so try to keep it neat.

Please be kind with your behind and don't shit on the seat."

-Ted Kelsey

The truth about dogs

"The dogs.. they had a meeting. They came from near and far.

Some came by rail, others came by car.

Before they were allowed to go in and take a look

each dog had to hang his asshole on a hook

 As they were all seated.. each mother, son & sire

 In run a big yellow curr & the son of a bitch yelled, "Fire!"

 The dogs, they all jumped up & run... they didn't stop to look.

 They just grabbed themselves an asshole as they passed by the hook. 

 And now as you go down the street & see a dog carryin' a greasy bone 

 He'll stop & smell the other dogs butt to see if he can find his own." 

     - Ted Kelsey

Nickname

"I've shot many dear in my day. That was my nickname in highshool you know.... THE DEER SLAYER."

-Ted Kelsey